Calm Your Worries: Part 8

In my forties I realized I had a deep sense of worry related to not being liked or seen as a special person.

To my conscious mind, this felt ridiculous. I mean, really, I’m still worried about peers in my forties, I complained. Parts of me were irate saying that I knew my value in life, and this insecure, worried feeling should not persist! Using Internal Family Systems, I was able to meet an inner child, the source of this social worry.

Sometimes when I connect with my parts, all of my senses are involved and the experience is as real as if you and I were together in the same room. This was one of those times.

There she was, my worrier part, in my mind’s eye, clear as day. This little part is me in elementary school. I’m wearing an aqua pantsuit with lace running down the front. (Very cool in that day! Just like the Partridge Family.) I could see that she was nervous, standing there waiting in the school bus line. Awww. I vaguely recognized the scene but did not have any clear memory of it. She stands along the wall in the classroom of her beloved fourth grade teacher from last year. She feels sad that this is not her classroom this year, only a spot to stand and wait for the bus. Last year’s teacher is also there, busy and trying to keep everyone in check. My little girl part desperately wants the teacher’s attention, but Mrs. G has other things to do.

The little one wants her to look at her and tell her that she is as important to the teacher as the teacher is to her. It doesn’t happen. It never happens.

I think this little worrier sees me (the adult me) there, watching her, but then I realize that she does not. I invite her to see me and she squints at me. Next I ask how she is feeling toward me. Her eyes narrow and darken.  

Oh, she is not happy with me! How could I leave her there all alone feeling so badly, she says. I let her know I see that and I care. I let her know communicate that I can see how sad and miserable she is and how much she misses her teacher. And I remind hernthat I understand her when she says that this year everything feels harder. She cautiously brightens, relieved that someone is there with her. She is happy when she realizes that I truly see her and how special she is.

In the coming days after this connection, I visit this little worrier part of me again and again.

She shows me all that she feels. She shows me what it is like when her body feels worried, where she feels it (her heart, her face, her belly). She lets me know that she has been trying to be special enough to feel as happy and loved and included as she did last year.

I show her how “our” life is now. How I have children of my own. How we are loved very much. Until I made this connection to my worrier part, she had no way of knowing how wonderful her life had become! She decides that she would like to get out of that smelly old school and come to be with me. I totally agree! It’s summer, so I bring her to my sailboat.

She is very happy and comfortable there. She feels relaxed, seen, valued and special. She believes me when I tell her that I love and care about her, that she is important. She lets go of trying to be special and just enjoys being. She releases these worries along with the old pantsuit into the ocean. She feels wonderful and free. I feel wonderful and free.

We are friends.

The benefit of befriending your worrier part is immense.

For one thing, you will now have close, calm access to this part and to the parts that have been protecting this part. This way, when you feel triggers for worry in the future, you know who to check in with about it. And, unlike before, when you check in, if you have been a good friend, this part will be so happy to see you!

You will also gain the freed-up qualities of these parts of your personality!

My little girl switched from the pantsuit to a simple red swimsuit. She now brings confidence, adventure and youthful freedom to my system. I realize that this probably sounds odd, but when you get to know your worrier parts a little bit, you’ll see what I mean. No more will you have to experience worry, followed by worry about that worry, then criticism about worry about that worry, then panic and judgement about the criticism about the worry about that worry and so on. Your parts are beginning to experience the “I got you!” that Self energy provides.

There are lots of ways to meet your worries in Calm Your Worries: Unlock Your Secret Code To Lasting Stress Relief and Self-Confidence. Get Your Copy Today!